My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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