I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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