I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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