So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
