My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
