my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
