Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
