someone get that fucking seahorse.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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