I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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