I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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