he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
