Please, let me fuck your mom
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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