I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
