the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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