my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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