I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Boobs speak an international language.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
