If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
