How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
