At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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