There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
