If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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