Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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