i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
