Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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