the condom got lost in my hair
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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