Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
