I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
