i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
