White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
