what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I touched a dick in church today
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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