You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
