FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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