thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
