haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
