no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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