We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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