my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
