dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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