he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
