so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
