Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
