I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
