Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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