I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
