of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
