you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
