my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
