I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
