i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
