when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
