i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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