I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
