By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
